Zelda Characters in the COURTROOM!
by Evil Neptune
Summary: All the Zelda characters in Oracle Seasons/Ages sue each other, and with Farore as the judge and Vire as defense attorney, well, who knows what'll happen? Kind of a parody of Judge Judy. CHAPTER 2 IS UP! Rolling Ridge vs. Great Moblin... and poetry!
1. Hey, it's Link vs. Onox, and Vire is the...

Zelda Oracles _COURTROOM CASES!_

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REAL PEOPLE! (from the games)

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REAL CASES! (not really)

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REAL STRANGE! (really!)

AUTHOR'S NOTES, DISCLAIMERS, AND OTHER RANDOM JUNK:

Who out there honestly thinks I own Zelda? If you do, get a brain. You've heard of "Nintendo" right? Anyway, this is a stupid little idea that I had for a humor fic. It might not be any good, so PLEASE TELL ME if it is or isn't. If I get at least three nice reviews, I'll continue. Otherwise, I won't.

Voice Over: we see a flyby video of entering the Maku Tree's little door as it speaks You are about to enter the courtroom of Judge Farore Secrets. The people are imaginary! The cases are fake! And everything is INSANE! 

Impa (bailiff): The court is now in session. All rise for Judge Farore Secrets! 

Everyone stands up as Farore enters from the stairs going up to the Maku Tree's branches and sits down at her little desk. The room has been transformed into a courtroom.

Farore: The Case #1 of Link Heroguy vs. General Onox Darkness is now in session. Bailiff, will you please read the charges.

Impa: Link Heroguy is suing General Onox for assault with a mace and dragon claws as well as 300 Rupees spent on a Magic Potion to restore health lost. Onox is countersuing for assault with a L2 Noble Sword. Link and Onox glare at each other.

Link: Your honor, this person KIDNAPPED YOUR SISTER! HOW CAN YOU EVEN CONSIDER ALLOWING HIM TO WIN THIS CASE?!?!?!?!?

Farore: ORDER IN THE COURT, insubordinate elf! Your lawyer will speak for you. Who is your lawyer.

Link: stares haughtily at everyone nearby My lawyer is your sister, Din Seasons! Din jumps up from her seat and starts dancing, swinging her little bracelets everywhere

Farore: ORDER IN THE COURT! Now, Din, please give your opening statement.

Din: My client was only attempting to heroically save the world AND MYSELF from the clutches of an evil genius, when he was ATTACKED BRUTALLY by Mr. Onox-

Onox: That's GENERAL Onox to you, mummer!

Din: Since when have you been British, cone-head?

Onox: CONE HEAD! How dare you…

Farore: ORDER IN THE COURT, PLEASE! That's enough from you Din.

Din: I'm your sister!

Farore: loudly, ignoring Din Who is your lawyer, Onox?

Onox: My lawyer is my little demon servant who likes to whine like a baby, Vire!

Vire: Hey, you're supposed to be on my side!

Farore: Order in the court, please! Now, Vire, please the defendant's opening statement.

Vire: My client was simply trying to do his job, which is attempt to dominate the world, and in his line of duty it happened to require that he kidnap Din. Of course, he was not happy about this, but willing to sacrifice for his job. Then, little green elf-man here-

Link: I'M NOT AN ELF!

Vire: continuing as if he hadn't heard -comes in and ATTACKS my client with a L2 NOBLE SWORD! Those things HURT! He also attacked me with a sword, but that's beside the point. Or maybe the SWORD POINT!

Farore: Order in the court please. Now, jury, are you getting this down?

We see a jury consisting of Mayor Ruul, Vasu, Maple, Witch Syrup, Ingo, Mr. Guru Guru (the windmill guy), Frypolar, Talon, Malon, the Great Moblin, and the two Theif Subrosians scribbling stuff on notepads

Farore: Okay, prosecution, you may call your first witness.

Din: I'd like to call Maku Tree to the stand.

Farore: Umm, Din? The Maku Tree IS the stand.

Maku Tree: I can still talk, can't I?

Impa: Place your left hand on the Oracle of Seasons game cartridge, and raise your right… uh… do you have hands?

A branch comes in through the window and touches the cartridge. We hear rustling outside as though the Maku Tree is raising another branch.

Impa: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth according to the game by Nintendo and Capcom?

Maku Tree: I do.

Din: Mr. Tree, you employed my client. Please tell the court why.

Maku Tree: Well, you see, I told Link that he had to go get the eight Essences of Nature so he could beat the crap out of Onox.

Din: And why did you want Link to, as you put it, "beat the crap out of Onox?"

Maku Tree: He kidnapped you and sealed you in a crystal and made the world start to fall apart. The usual thing in these kinds of cases.

Din: shudders That sucky crystal was CRAMPED! Anyway, do you believe that Link was acting in self defense, uh… or… defense of the world, when he attacked Onox?

Maku Tree: Indeed I do believe so.

Din: Just two more questions. When Link set out to fight Onox, how was he equipped?

Maku Tree: He had a bunch of Rupees, a full 14-heart meter, and a Magic Potion he'd bought from Witch Syrup for 300 Rupees, as well as some other cool hero equipment.

Din: And when he returned, what was his condition?

Maku Tree: He'd been injured badly, his heart meter was down to 1½ hearts, and he had no more Magic Potion.

Din: So presumably, Onox caused him to become severly injured and lose his 300-Rupee magic potion?

Maku Tree: Yes.

Din: No further questions, Your Honor.

Farore: Defense, you may cross-examine.

Vire: So, you pile of firewood…

Din: OBJECTION!

Farore: And what is your objection, Sister Seasons?

Din: He's insulting the witness!

Farore: Yeah, you've got a point. Objection sustained. You may not question further, Mr. Vire.

Vire: OBJECTION!

Farore: NOW WHAT?!?!?!?

Vire: You're sisters with the prosecution attorney! Isn't that illegal?

Farore: losing her temper completely AND YOU'RE A WUSSY WANNABE-DEMON WHO LOOKS LIKE A DEMENTED RED BAT! SO I WOULDN'T BE TALKING! sweetly Now, prosecution, you may call your second witness.

Vire: under his breath G^@ d#$!* little b&%)@!

Farore: WHAT WAS THAT?

Vire: Nothing, Your Honor.

Din: I call Link Heroguy to the stand.

Impa: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth according to the game by Nintendo and Capcom?

Link: strikes dramatic pose It is my duty as Hero of Time to do just that!

Impa: Sure…

Din: Mr. Heroguy, you were the one who freed me from Onox's evil clutches and restored peace to Holodrum. In the process of doing this, which is part of the duties of the Hero of Time, did you incur any injuries?

Link: What, are you kidding? I died from injuries THREE TIMES!

Din: Er, yeah, and, um, who caused most of these injuries?

Link: Well, all sorts of critters with too many eyes (Random Whirling Cyclops Enemy: Hey! What about too few!), but the one who injured me the most was this guy who called himself General Onox.

Din: Can you identify this person here in the courtroom?

Link: Uh, you're kidding me right? DOH! He points to Onox

Din: whispers to Link Justice is blind, okay? You have to point EVERYTHING out. speaks in a normal voice The Maku Tree has said that you incurred many injuries and lost a Magic Potion while fighting in Onox's Castle. Did this happen while fighting this General Onox!

Link: about to make another "doh" comment, stopping himself Uh… yeah!

Din: No further questions, Your Honor.

Farore: Defense, you may cross-examine.

Vire: So, Link… bares teeth and gives an evil look, attempting to scare the witness into saying what he wants him to say Are you a stupid bratty kid Hero of Time who thinks he can just walk into any dungeon he likes and beat the crap out of some bosses but really can't?

Link: not missing a beat Stupid, no, bratty, no, kid, yes, Hero of Time, yes, who thinks he can just walk into any dungeon he likes and beat the crap out of some bosses, yes, but really can't, no. THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF THE ANSWERS YOU WOULD GIVE!

Vire: taken aback No further questions, your honor.

Farore: Next witness, Din?

Din: No further witnesses, Your Honor.

Farore: Very well, if that is all, we'll let our jury decide the verdict…

Vire: WAIT! What about our witnesses?

Farore: Did you have any?

Vire: Uhh…

Farore: I thought not. Now, jury, you have twenty minutes to decide two verdicts. First, is Link guilty of injuring Onox though he was doing it in the line of duty? And second, is Onox guilty of KIDNAPPING MY SISTER, almost KILLING Link, and using up his 300-Rupee Magic Potion?

The members of the jury huddle over their notepads for a while, muttering to themselves, writing, crossing things out, and then, all at the same time, they each write down a word on one sheet of paper, then another word on another paper.

Farore: Time's up. First, the verdict on Onox's countersuit.

Mayor Ruul: Not guilty.

Vasu: Not guilty.

Maple: GUILTY! THAT KID LINK IS SOOOOOO GUILTY!

Witch Syrup: Not guilty. He spent good money at my shop… hee, hee, hee…

Ingo: Not guilty. HEY! DON'T TOUCH THE POTS, YOU B@$&#^%!

Mr. Guru Guru: to the tune of the Song of Storms/Windmill Theme Not guil-ty! Not guil-ty! Not guil-ty at all to-day! Link is innocent! Of making a dent!

Frypolar: loud monotone HE IS GUILTY. MASTER ONOX IS PERFECT.

Talon: Not gillty. Wha, Ah've never saen sumone less gillty in mah lahfe!

Malon: Shut up, Dad. I also say not guilty.

The Great Moblin: GUILTY! HE BLEW UP MY FORT, THEN BLEW UP MY HOUSE! Heh, heh, I blew him up a few times too, though…

Theif Subrosians: Hey, he's the guy we stole the Roc's Feather from! Uh, sorry, Mr. Heroguy, sir! Not guilty!

Farore: Sorry, General Onox, but you need a unanimous vote for someone to be guilty. And now, as I'm sure we are all convinced of the guilt of General Onox to Link's charges…

Frypolar, and the Great Moblin begin to make protesty-noises, but quickly fall silent

Din: standing behind the jury and using her Oracle powers to convince Link's ill-wishers otherwise

Frypolar, Great Moblin: loud monotone YES, HE IS GUILTY.

Farore: Then I hereby sentence General Onox and Vire-

Vire: Wait! I'm just his lawyer!

Farore: clears throat …AND VIRE to lifetime imprisonment in… gets an evil gleam in her eyes …in the most horrible place known to man!

Ingo: No!

Talon: Not…

Theif Subrosians: She couldn't mean…

Great Moblin: Oh no! I'm sorry Master!

Vasu: Oh my! Not that place…

Mr. Guru Guru: GO AROUND!

Farore: Yes, lifetime imprisonment in TELETUBBY LAND!!!! cackles more evilly than Witch Syrup

Onox, Vire: scream at 1,000 decibels as Din, Farore, and Nayru (who was watching from the back the whole time) use their Oracle powers to send Onox and Vire to Teletubby Land

…meanwhile, in Teletubby Land…

Blue Teletubby: Look! New friends!

Red Teletubby: giggles maniacally BAT! Big hug, Bat! grabs Vire in a death grip and giggles again

Yellow Teletubby: Maybe conehead guy and bat would like to play with us!

Green Teletubby: We can play and play and play and play and play forever!

Onox, Vire: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

…back in the courtroom…

Farore: bangs gavel Case closed!

everyone begins to stand up and leave

Farore: Join us next time when the Land of Subrosia sues the Theif Subrosians for stealing items of value and jeopardizing the tourist industry! 


	2. Rolling Ridge vs. the Great Moblin, Faro...

Zelda Oracles _COURTROOM CASES!_

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REAL PEOPLE! (from the games)

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REAL CASES! (not really)

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REAL STRANGE! (really!)

AUTHOR'S NOTES, DISCLAIMERS, AND OTHER RANDOM JUNK:

I don't own Zelda. Get a grip. Among author's notes, I have this to say: thanks for reviewing! Everyone who reviewed has some Aura of Specialness inside! It is because of you that this fic is entering it's second chapter! Also note: the reason I don't write Ocarina of Time fics like everybody else in this section is because sob, sob I don't have an N64, and won't be getting one anytime soon, because I am dead broke. Anyone who wants my writing talent to be applied to Ocarina of Time is free to contribute to the cause, though! Also also note: Please read my other story and review it! It isn't 100% humor (because it's about 70% action/adventure) but I'm trying my best to make it *funny* action/adventure.

ON WITH THE FIC!

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Voice-Over: camera flyby into the Maku Tree You are about to enter this little wooden door carved in the side of a tree! Now isn't that thrilling! Why am I even telling you this, because it's assumed you read the first chapter and already know this routine!

Impa: Yes, thank you, Mysterious Voice from Nowhere-

V-O: Your very welcome, Judge Secrets.

Impa: Now, now, please don't suck up.

V-O: I'll suck all I want. makes a sucking sound

Impa: rolls eyes Whatever. All rise for Judge Farore Secrets!

Everybody: rises, takes off hats, etc.

Farore: is wearing a Judge Judy costume, looking much meaner than she did in the first trial Okay, last time there were some discrepancies because people thought I was biased toward one side. This time… WE'RE CRACKIN' DOWN HARD, MAN! she slaps a ruler on her palm That's right, no biases, nuthin. Anyway, Bailiff, will you please read the case.

Impa: Case of the City of Rolling Ridge vs. the Great Moblin. They are suing for theft, vandalism, and property-stealing.

Farore: Thank you. Plaintiff, who is your attorney?

Random Goron From Rolling Ridge Who Is Representing It In Court: We chose the 1st Generation Graceful Goron!

Farore: Wait a minute… isn't he from 4,000 years ago?

RGFRRWIRIIC (we'll just call him the Plaintiff, shall we?): Yeah, Link brought him here with the Harp of Ages.

Farore: Uh, okay, sure, but, has he ever heard of the Great Moblin?

1GGG: strikes a cheesy dramatic pose In the face of JUSTICE, age doesn't matter!

Farore: Oookaaay… Defendant, who is your attorney?

Great Moblin: I have no friends, so I'm acting as my own lawyer.

Farore: Great, that should move things along considerably… chuckles to herself Now, would the prosecution please give its opening statement?

1GGG: strikes another cheesy dramatic pose, begins doing cheesy overdramatic dance moves as he speaks The Great Moblin is a pig… his hair is so bad I wish it was a wig… he is not to be trusted at all… in winter, spring, or fall… 

Farore: I asked for an OPENING STATEMENT, not a FRIGGIN POETRY READING!!! breathes fire ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! calms down, speaks over-sweetly Okay, defense, would you please read your opening statement?

Great Moblin: Uhh, nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I'm just trying to survive in this cruel world by doing what I do best… which just-so-happens to be taking advantage of poor innocent Gorons and monopolizing their trade on Bomb Flowers… I can't help my nature, so please don't hurt me! looks all innocent at the jury

Jury, which consists of Link, Mayor Plen, Ralph, Queen Ambi, the Tokay Food Mini-Game Guy, Patch, Tingle, King Zora, Tokkey (the insane music guy who teaches you the Tune of Currents), and the twin sisters from Symmetry Village: lots of eye rolling, don't look impressed at the Great Moblin

Great Moblin: PLEEEEEEEEZE!

Farore: Order in the court, insubordinate pig!

Great Moblin: Isn't that what you told Link during that trial a while back, except you called him an insubordinate elf?

Link: For the LAST TIME, I AM NOT AN ELF! Okay, first, it's a tunic, not a skirt, second, I'm a Hylian, not a FRIGGIN ELF!

Farore: ORDER IN THE COURT RIGHT NOW BEFORE I BLAST ALL YOUR PUNY HEADS OFF! sweetly Thank you! I knew we'd see reason! Now, prosecution must call their first witness.

1GGG: With the power of the dance of my ancestors, and the power of the dance of my heirs…

Farore: rolls eyes, taps foot We're waiting!

1GGG: I call forth… Some Random Goron From Rolling Ridge to the stand!

Impa: Place your right hand on the Oracle of Ages game cartridge, and your left hand in the air… or is it your left hand on the Oracle of Ages game cartridge and your right hand in the air… uh…

Farore: Just forget it, he'll be okay. Begin questioning! smacks ruler on palm again

1GGG: During your time on Rolling Ridge… on the left side of that little bridge… was a place called Moblin Keep… did this place make Gorons weep? I'm a great dancing poet… and I didn't even know it…!

SRGFRR: Indeed. We were sad because he took our Bomb Flowers, and apparently the Gorons 4,000 years ago were sad too because their Elder was trapped under a bunch of rocks and they needed a Bomb Flower to get him out, but, for some reason, the Great Moblin messed up history… but wait… how could an event in the future effect the past? One of those plot holes, I guess. They're very useful sometimes. Anyway, yeah, he was pretty much an all-around jerk.

Great Moblin: makes puppy eyes at SRGFRR and jury Who, little old innocent me?

SRGFRR, Jury: make gagging noises

1GGG: Thank you, Some Random Goron From Rolling Ridge. No further questions, your honor.

Farore: Hey, why aren't you talking in rhyme?

1GGG: I'm sorry my prose-talk upset you… but I'll change back cuz you want me too…

Farore: $@&#*%!

Everyone Else: GASP! A judge swore in the courtroom!

Farore: Ooops, eh, heh, heh, I mean, wow, what a great poet you are, 1GGG!

1GGG: Why thank you, Judge Secrets!

Farore: Anyway, defense, you may cross-examine.

Great Moblin: makes puppy eyes… ugh, again Aren't I the cutest preciousest little piggy that every went to market? Huh? Huh?

SRGFRR: NO!!! You're the ugliest, thievingest, scummiest little hog I've ever seen!

Great Moblin: makes a sad, but not quite puppy eyes face at the jury You see, nobody likes me, everybody hates me…

Jury: Awww… NOT!

Farore: Okay, prosecution, any other witnesses?

1GGG: No witnesses that must we call… I sense the Moblin's nearing fall… from grace he'll plummet to the floor… in Teletubby Land he'll live forever more…

Farore: WILL YOU JUST SHUT IT WITH THE $&^@#*% POETRY!

Jury: GASP!

Farore: Eh, heh, I mean, order in the court please, kiddies! Now, Moblin, do you have a witness?

Great Moblin: YES! I WILL DEFY SOCIETY! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I call… myself to the stand!

1GGG: An objection I'd like to file… he can't do that, it's not worthwhile…

Farore: Even though technically, 1GGG is right, I'm going to overrule that objection JUST cause of that sucky poem-speak! We'll make an exception. Moblin, please take the stand!

Great Moblin: Society hates me… I've done nothing wrong to most of you, I just have a social disease! I'm just surviving the cruel life you people have forced me to live in the only way I know how! I never went to college! I can't lead a productive life! And you all have shunted me away, to my Keep on Rolling Ridge, and I'll never again be the innocent young boy I was back then. Please, don't hurt me!

Jury: Awww… NOT!

Great Moblin: suddenly turns evil HAHAHAHA! I thought I could not disguise me evil nature completely, so I brought with me a little… insurance policy! whips out a big bomb

Jury: ACK! DON'T HURT US!

Great Moblin: advancing, with a sinister smile on his face That's what I said a minute ago, and none of you listened to me! NOW YOU'LL PAY! 

King Zora: I say, what a tasty-looking snack you've got there, Mr. Moblin? You don't mind if I take a bit, do you? Doctors' orders- got to keep my weight level above six tons, you see. he eats the big bomb

Great Moblin: WHAT THE HOLY HECK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Jury: Yay! King Zora saved us!

Link: Guilty!

Mayor Plen: Guilty!

Ralph: that funky music that plays whenever you meet him starts up He is guilty as my grandma!

Ambi: Hey! Is that any way to talk about your great, great, great, great, great, great grandma, buster? I just might have to use some of my funky spinning energy balls on you! (Sorry about the Oracle of Ages spoiler!)

Ralph: Uhh, sorry.

Ambi: Better. He's guilty.

Tokay Food Mini-Game Guy: Guilty!

Patch: His brain is broken. If Link plays my fu- errr, delicate ceremony, I can put it back together!

Link: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Patch: Fine then. Guilty.

Tokkey: dances around on the jury's table strumming randomly on his harp Guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty… continues dancing, playing, and singing, "guilty"

Twin Sisters: in unison, points at him with her left hand, the other with her right He is guilty! To think of treating those poor Gorons that way! each sister adjusts a lock of hair with the opposite hand

Tokkey: still dancing and singing Guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty…

Farore: I guess he's guilty, then! And I have a worse punishment than being banished to Teletubby Land!

Everyone: GASP! Worse than banishment to Teletubby Land? What could possibly be worse than that!

Farore: Banishment to Teletubby Land and being forced to play the Tokay Food Mini-Game and the Restoration Ceremony Mini-Game over and over and over again while the Teletubbies dance around and sing their theme song over and over and over again!

Tokay Food Mini-Game Guy, Patch: Yay, finally someone will play our really annoying-as-heck games!

Great Moblin: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Everyone Else: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!

Nayru, Din: appear next to Farore Shall we, Sister!

Farore: Let's do it!

Farore, Nayru, Din: use Oracle powers to execute the punishment

Great Moblin: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…

…In Teletubby Land…

Great Moblin: ARGH! Stupid Hardhat Beetle knocked me off the button! WHAT, NO, there goes my mine cart AGAIN! 

Teletubbies: Heeheeheehee! Pig man funny!

Great Moblin: Okay, I'm about to win this time…

Teletubbies: Big hug! they all glomp the Great Moblin

Great Moblin: NOOOOOOOO!!!! You messed me up!

Teletubbies: cackle maniacally and start singing their theme song as they dance around the Great Moblin Teletubbies! Teletubbies!

Great Moblin: Argh! How many more wins do I need at this game before I'm set free?

Red Teletubby: giggles evilly and holds up a sign that says 'Great Moblin's Punishment Record- 362892 Tokay Food Game wins left and 482957 Restoration Ceremony Game wins left before release

Great Moblin: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Teletubbies: continue cackling, singing the song, and dancing around the Moblin as the camera fades out

So, how'd you like? Was it worth your precious three reviews? This fic can continue if you review! REVIEWS ARE GOOOOLD!!!!!!!!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHA! Er, sorry about that, but please DOOOOOOOOO REVUUUUUUUUU!


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